It Was Twenty Years Ago Today

Solitude Cowboy Blues Walk ‘06

by Billy Shears

I wrote a novella once that was about my friends and I. My character’s name in the book was The Captain or Captain Jack depending on the mood. One part was written before the great schism and one part after. I killed off that character or simply made him disappear in the later half.

For the last twenty years I have been denying trying to reconcile with this old friend of mine… the Captain. Not because of the obvious reasons…

Now, I think there was something he left out… a secret he was trying to tell me; something important, cryptic… something like ‘stay golden Ponyboy’ or at least something like that.

My friends, through darkness thick and thin…

One thing I remember above all was that the Captain didn’t care about what anyone was gonna say or do, he was ready for everything and everybody.

His escape was a silent night, strolled down to the river’s edge and pushed off … I miss my friend.

I think what I mean here is that I don’t know if I have always been a friend to myself since that time. O, don’t get me wrong… a lot of good has happened and some of it may or may not have been directly inspired by those seminal days.

What happened somewhere in the middle of one afternoon be it October or November 1985? I made a decision to compromise to survive. And for the time being; I thought that was the right thing to do.

We have to do these things often in the span of our lifetimes. Later we can debate what ‘quality of life’ really means. We have subtle marks we mention for ourselves… but in the end… really?

I look back to all my goals that predate that period. I look at the few, very few that I executed since that time.

Yes, youth played a part in that …and circumstance played another but what makes a difference from then to here and now is one important thing that I notice time and time again from the writings I made several years ago… and that being of Leadership.

“N,n,n,n,n,n,n nobody’s fault but mine”

I’ve been courageous since that time. I’ve been proud, stood out in the crowd… people know me when I come around. Still, I have been quiet to make that first step… and it bothers me. I know it bothers most people that remembered me or have been with me over the years.

Yet, what happened to me during that period was astoundingly binary. It is like becoming aware of the magnitude of God and failing to recognize that you have seen a miracle or even yet, perhaps had the Holy of the Holies next to you and yet… still nothing.

The most damaging part of that whole experience is again at least two fold.

One part being that absolute fear you must come to terms with, because you have been completely abandoned by everyone you have ever known in your entire life… family, friends etc…and suddenly learn to trust complete strangers that all instinct tells you to run from.

When you realize, “I could die here.”

The second is that no one can comprehend your experience unless they have been there themselves. Others may dismiss it because they don’t think that it ‘you should have ever been in there’ sort of thing.

And although, it may have been true that the course of action taken was far too severe for the crime; it happened. I understand the wrongfully committed. I understand unmitigated injustice.

Yet, what I feel is so solitary and impossible to express to anyone at all ever.

I would sometimes sit back and wish or pretend over the years; especially the more solitary moments that I had the Captain by my side again and try to imagine what he would be saying to me.

But today; finally, twenty years later and all that water under the bridge… he would tell me to forgetaboutit… because he too was a kid from Jersey… and he would push me to excel… he would be brotherly love.

For the last six years I have been living in a place that no one knows my name or knew of my past or could tell the difference. This has provided me space to see what and who I may have become. I’ve spent years searching that spark, fighting with people who ask where is it at or demand me to be someone or something I no longer am.

I’ve been waiting too… for leadership…

Keep this in mind, I believe that I have inspired others to do things… I have seen over the last twenty years the evidence of that… but I have failed to do this for myself. I began to accept too many circumstances that fall into other worlds… I failed to remember I can do it no matter who says I can’t.

I am going to be inspired…

We must be sure of our mistakes and missteps…be sure to resurrect them from time to time to learn. I don’t know how to explain what exactly has changed my perspective other than I moved the rock another inch up the hill? Or I looked into the rock and saw my face reflected? Or because it is at last twenty years later… and we promise ourselves certain things… ‘if in twenty years…’

I go back to some words that inspired me in my youth that over the last few years or so have come to mean something to me again… as cliché as they may seem … forgive me.

“Roy Orbison singing for the lonely”

Thanks for listening.