Q: What’s a Metaphor?

A: Mostly for cows and horses…

Coming back to America I find myself in the midst of a mood that I can not really come to terms with.

Leaving America; I found myself in the midst of a mood that I could not really come to terms with.

So here it is… what ever it may be…

It could have possibly been burn out…burnt out from a fight of flight. I left the south several years ago and embarked on a new journey; the focus of this journey had been peace. Peace as we understand it is hard to come by.

So many things we are to focus on and as well come to terms with… When Stansfield and I started Sisyphus At Rest I sort of marveled at the mocking of the title. I have long clamored under the spell of Sisyphus as described in Albert Camus’ essay ‘The Myth of Sisyphus’.

I read that story nearly fifteen years ago while I was in my early twenties; perhaps even earlier… I don’t really recall. I bought a book on existentialism one afternoon with Heimdall at a bookstore near a university. After pouring through the other chapters I came upon the essay at the end of the book and found myself fascinated… Sisyphus is happy. Ah! The Mother lode!

I don’t know what anyone else has really found that has given me the place that I own as much as that singular essay. I don’t mean ‘own’ as property as much as person squareness. Summer is at an end and I find myself in the midst of attempting to draw conclusions…I am tired of fighting some wars and am ready for new ones. I sit at this table now and feel the deck going from port to starboard and I am as land locked as one can be.

There is an engine that is propagating me to another study…a study that to me is deeper than myself. Oh; what could that mean? What I am saying is that for years and years I have been studying as a forward reach into society. I don’t look to that now as much as I really am interested in what I think.

I have found another part of myself in a new space; a place I haven’t figured on. I can lose the ability to think outside of that moment. I can do that writing yes; but it’s not the same thing. I find this from inside rather than from the absolute void. That is a change of pace.

I had found my place in the void for a long time. I still inhabit it; to no doubt. I struggle with that singular aspect more than I used to. So many changes have taken place over the last several years and I had faulted folks for pointing that out; but I now know that it is true. I can see it intrinsically. I have become different than had you known me years ago. I like it too.

The struggle of the void is a deeper matter. It comes from association that I allowed to transgress into my world. These boundaries I allowed myself to become trite and contrary…in an aspect that was for my own protection; probably… mostly deemed from my lack of seeing the forest for the trees. All fools accomplish this; some recover… I hope I am one of them.

This comes to mind even more so because several hours ago while listening a radio station the song ‘Gringo Honeymoon’ came on. This is a song by Robert Earl Keene.

The first time had ever heard this song; I had been through several weeks of emotional discourse to say the least. There isn’t much to it; except there is a sublime source of freedom in the song. Particularly in the line was ‘I wishin' that the world would stop/When you said we'd better go’ This line intrigued me because the self control of the singer in the song appears to be released.

I come back to that song now for several reasons. It set the appeal for my last trip and it also set me to allow the peace that I sought when I was turned on to the song to finally sink in. …these lines; we asked the world to wait so we could celebrate/a gringo honeymoon…at one point I was in a saddle with mountains all around and a soft warm sunshine coming down upon me I looked up and soaked it in…the world stood still.

I think the hardest thing to recognize is that fact that things are different in one’s life when one was not expecting particular things to change. I am one of those people that look for the unexpected and/or expects the unexpected for the most part. So ~ having something like this sneak up on me is a surprise.

More so; I feel the earnest of a change coming my way… I care less for the speed of things as they are going. I care less for the priorities that are not mine. Professional life is just not keeping me satisfied.

I don’t know how to explain that except to say. I’d rather eat than starve but some changes are in order. I want peace and I’m going to get it even if I have to throw some weight around.

Coming back to America I have found a place to rest my tea and also found a hunger in my belly. I am glad to be home once again with a renewed purpose and a focus that had been missing for some time. I’ll flesh this out as the winter comes in to focus.